依然记得你

时光飞逝，蓦然回首，原来过了这么多年了。屈指一数，应该有八年吧。可一切好像刚刚发生，记忆依然那么清晰，感觉依然那么深刻…

记忆从我们的第一次见面开始，一直到我在MSN最后跟你告别的那次。整整四年的记忆，一点一滴仍在我脑海里，怎么抹也抹不掉…

很想念你羞涩的笑容。只要一听见你的笑声，看见你笑时露出两排整齐的牙齿，所有烦恼皆抛到九霄云外…

很想念你淡淡的香味。它让我和你寸步不离。它似乎有种魔力，深深地把我吸引着，直到现在仍无法忘怀…

很想念你暖暖的体温。当我受尽冷言冷语的折腾后，它是我的避风港。无论发生什么事，它都能为我疗伤…

很想念你紧握的右手。那天，它终于握着我的左手，看完最后一场电影。四周虽然昏暗，但我的心是亮的…

很想念你道别的左手。它挥一挥，让我们离别了两个月。虽然少了两个月的见面，但却多了两个月的想念…

很想念你离去的背影。逐渐走远，逐渐模糊。永远忘不了那一刻，锋利的刀狠狠划过，心在淌血的那一刻…

记得为你掉泪的三天。睡醒时眼角是湿的，喝水时饮料是苦的，吃饭时食物是淡的，想起你时胸口是痛的…

好笑吧，只有我自己在这里演着独角戏。时隔多年，或许你根本就不记得我吧？不过说实在的，我到现在依然记得你。记得你的一点一滴，也记得我们的一点一滴。我曾经很努力地强迫自己忘记这一切，告诉自己全都是一场梦。但，我做不到。八年后的今天，虽然泪已流干，伤口也慢慢愈合，但我还是会说，我好爱你，依然爱你，真的真的好爱你…

Sigh

Honestly, the biggest challenge during teaching tuition is not memorizing the syllabus but to suppress my anger and to control my patience. I almost lost control and yelled at those brats yesterday! They have totally no sense of respectability, just like the barbarians! OMG I can't stand them anymore. I have no idea of who am I to them actually. They are just too horrible!

Please lah! If you're already weak in your studies just pay attention to listen what the shit I'm trying to tell you but not arguing blindly! Teacher Khor is trying to help you so you should appreciate for that. You think I'm happy to help her to teach you just because of the two pieces of banknote? You may just quit if you don't even feel like learning. I'm ok with it! I could spend more time to teach a person who is eager to learn without having him to pay, rather than the one who is wasting each others' time. I already told you this at the very beginning of your tuition session. If you want, just sit and learn. If you don't want, just don't come again. Please do remember that I'm still an older person who's teaching you so please at least give me some respect. You may ask but you have no right to order as I'm not your servant although you paid me.

再一次小小装修

这张图画原来维持了这么久啊…
突然灵感来了，所以就换了啦…

无可否认地，我的灵感每次都是月中旬来的… 呵呵…

终于，我又回到了我这小小的世界

这是一个我能够暂时卸下面具的地方，我的家……
没有光鲜亮丽，没有色彩缤纷……
只能看见真实的我，
小声地，轻轻地诉说一些自己的故事。

转眼，半年了。
在外头兜兜转转，跌跌撞撞半年了。
我又回到了这个家，因为很累了。

踏进家门，把面具拿下来。
擦一擦泪，抹一抹汗……
洗一洗脸，照一照镜子……
还是原来的那个我吗？

没错，还是我……
只是经历了一些事情，多了几道疤痕……
有经过鬼门关，留下打针吊点滴的痕迹
教会了我想做什么就要趁早……
看见人类的生命是多么脆弱……
也有被人狠狠地甩了一巴掌留下的痕迹
教会了我这个世界是现实的……
因对某些人而言钱就是一切……
不管你是谁，至亲也不例外……

有些疤痕能够复原
因为遇到了对的医生，用了对的药。
而有些疤痕，却造成了永久的伤害……
感谢治疗我的人，感谢伤害我的人
因为你们让我的眼睛打开，比以前更明亮。

最后万分感谢……
感谢您，因为我还感觉得到我的呼吸……
感谢您，因为您为我治疗了很多伤口……
感谢您，因为您让我明白真正的道理……
感谢您，因为您让我又再次地长大了……
感谢您，因为您让我的视觉更为辽阔……
感谢您，因为您让我 学会感谢…
学会接受… 学会包容… 学会放下…

Thanks guys!

First of all, a big THANK YOU to all my friends for giving me a very nice birthday this year. Sorry for not stating out all your names (if not there will be a very long post) But.. I will REMEMBER and APPRECIATE what had you all done for my birthday this year!
p/s: including the nando's chkn, n the cake with (garlic+chili+vinegar+wasabi+...) and etc xD

鱼头！呵呵~

今天参加了一个冗长课程，从早上到傍晚，累死了。不过那课程还挺有趣的，也学到了一些东西。好像：Stop BANGAUING! 意思是，不要再找借口了！（呃…一整天只记得这句，好像有点失败。哈哈。）

然后，刚才姨丈请我们全家吃大餐，提早帮我和我妹庆生。真的很久很久很久没吃得那么过瘾了！两盘鱼，蚌壳，鸡肉，清炒蔬菜。太棒了！我还是人生第一次吃过那么大一个鱼头，真的…不知道用什么字眼来形容。太赞了！现在回想起来还回味无穷呢！其实还挺感谢姨丈一家人的，因为自小他们都很疼我。刚才还聊了一些小时候发生的趣事，但我一点也不记得了。

今天过得还不错。:)

我想，我还是幸福的

前言：请不要唾弃我，谢谢。
------

你们不会了解我的立场，我的想法，我的苦衷，就像白天永远无法体会黑夜的寂寞。我的生活和你们的不一样。我多了几个包袱，多了几分顾虑，而因此少了几分自由，少了一些机会……能让我做我想要的事。活在当下无需顾虑太多，这道理一点儿也没错，但是我的人生不是在当下以后就结束，我的包袱、忧虑，不是在当下以后就可以卸下。我还有很长很蜿蜒的路要走，很宽很湍急的河要跨，很大很困难的荆棘林要穿越。

回想一下，我的童年到底有什么？可笑，我还真一点儿也回忆不起来。没有好吃的零食，没有好喝的汽水，没有好玩的电玩，没有超酷的机械人，没有漂亮的衣服，没有到过好玩的地方，没有笑声，没有赞美，没有被牵过手，没被摸过头，没有被拥抱过，什么都没有。这些不都是一个小朋友想要的吗？别人都有，为什么就只有我除外？可能你们丝毫不屑这些东西，微不足道的东西。可是，有些人一直都渴望这些，努力追求这些，而到最后一个也没有。其实，我是多么地贪心。

渐渐长大了，开始发觉我什么都不会，就因为我什么都没试过。你们聊电玩，聊旅游，聊食物，聊衣着，聊运动，甚至聊课业，我都只有听的份儿。偶尔想试着加入你们的话题，却失败了。有时是我自己打退堂鼓，有时是被你们狠狠地拒绝了。我不多话，不是因为我不爱说话，而是因为我不知道该说些什么，因为我什么不会。就连最基本的电影院，谷中城，我都没去过，何来的话题？其实，我是多么的愚笨。

常常被拿来和别人比较，而我都会是差劲的那一个。无论哪一个方面，每一个方面，任何一个方面，我都比不上任何一个人。我努力了，但现实告诉我，我是不行的。老实说我很不喜欢被你们拿来比较。难道我有这么差吗？是，我承认我很多东西都不会。但是，我会的你们未必会！其实，我的自尊心是被你们的践踏而变强的。

不过，用另一个角度想，我可算是比上不足比下有余了。真正可怜的，是那些没饭好吃，没地方好睡的贫民。连基本生活需求都缺乏的他们，根本不需要谈什么好吃好住好玩的。还有那些穷得只剩钱的，除了钞票还有什么？我该感谢上天待我不错，赐我三餐温饱，赐我手脚健全，赐我机会让我遇见一些真正的朋友。

我想，我还是幸福的。

Unexpected!

Result is OUT few days ago and it is OUT OF MY EXPECTATION!! I got 2.6 for this sem!! That's unbelievable!! I guess UTAR dragged the passing marks to very low, especially for certain subjects like Analogue Electronics and Signals. FYI, that's my first time to submit "ALMOST BLANK" answer sheets during the exam. Hmm~ then I guess my other course mates will get a MUCH better result than mine.

Tomorrow will be a fresh start for the second year of my course. Hopefully everything will be better.

稍纵即逝的流星，突然多出的空洞

忙碌日子突然多了个空洞，突然不知道该如何填满。这不是我一直希望的空洞吗？啧，人很矛盾。填得满满满时，满脑子想着如何找个空隙来透透气。现在空出来了，却多了份空虚。很不习惯，像是一直要找些东西来做，却不知道能做什么。今天过得特别无聊，好像迷迷糊糊又过了一天。不过其实想想也不错，反正之后应该会很忙，因为有两项科目应该过不了关，需要重修。

可惜呀，刚刚目送一颗流星划过了夜空，离开了眼际。这不是煽情，只是以文字稍微修饰事实。炽热的流星燃亮了灰暗的生活，丰富了沉闷的日子。有时满腹牢骚，抬头对它说说话时，它都能够听得见，也能体会。这已经远远超过那些，只让人许愿，却从来不会实现的流星，好上千倍万倍。然而，流星终究是流星。来得偶然去得也快。应该是找到了对的目的地吧，希望那里的人也会因为那颗流星而幸福。现在偶尔抬头看看天空，虽然没了流星，但是多了好几颗不停闪烁的星星，像是它留下的痕迹，是美丽的回忆，是永恒的祝福。

衷心祈祷，愿它幸福，珍重，再见。

不久后，我的人生即将迎接新的挑战，一切都会是新的开始。我想，无论日子再怎么艰苦，我还是会好好地过…

My timetable for Y2S1

Eh em~ This is my timetable for next semester. I purposely make my timetable loose a bit so that I won't suffer like how I am, for this semester. Before I was thinking that squeezing everything together will be better, as I have more time to relax. However, I realized that I was completely WRONG after I go through this semester. The arrangement of the timetable would kill me, seriously. I never consider about the distance of the venue where lecture is held, the transportation etc. I was rushing here and there like hell, especially for Tuesday and Thursday. Not only that, I have classes from 8am till 5pm when Tuesday, with only half and hour break in between! That's why, my life for this semester is like hell.

Hmm~ anyway it's ok, at least I've learnt a lesson. I guess this semester should be better.

Last day of my Y1S3

Today's my last day of Y1S3. After submitted my Signals assignment in the afternoon, I decided to go back home even though I really do not wish to see her face. Seriously, I feel like vomiting every time when I see her retarded face. *PUKE* However, a long and good sleep is what I need now and I don't think I could sleep in Uni. So, if I'm at home I could just sleep and will not see her stupid face :) ~

On the way back from Uni, I saw an extremely beautiful blue bird which I never saw it before. At the moment I was like "WOW.." and stunned at the road side for few secs. It has blue feather with yellow and black stripes, and a long maroon beak. But the sad thing is, when I was trying to quietly get near to the tree where it stood on, it flew away! *SIGH* I just wanna have a clearer look on it ehh ~

Before I write this post, I spent about 40mins to search on the internet about some information of the bird BUT FAILED. I can't found the exactly same bird that I saw. *another SIGH* At most what I found were the BEE-EATER and the KINGFISHER, which are the closest to what I saw. I wonder what kind of bird it is huh?

-++ Rare bird could bring me good luck, perhaps? ++-

小小感触

刚看完2小时20多分钟的“艋舺”…
不错看，挺有fu… 在此写下一些小小感言…

若我是蚊子，能够重新选择的话
我依然会拉着你伸出的手
一起跨过那道墙…
不会后悔…
因为找到了真正的友谊…

即使我们上一代的恩怨
让你得作出一些选择…
伤害我们，还有其他的人…
不要后悔…
我们仍有真正的友谊…

你横起心来了…
子弹发出，打在我身上…
但我看见你的手在颤抖
泪在流…
相信你的心也一样痛…

我勉强张开双手…
你抱着了，但我捅你一刀…
当时你选择相信…
因为这是真正的友谊…

很可惜，我不是蚊子…
我找不到真正的友谊…
曾经掉进好几个陷阱…
好几个圈套…
也曾经伤害了人…
很懊悔，但是太迟了…

表面的嬉笑应酬有时很累…
而我的演技也不好…
相信人家也看得出
这是虚情假意，逢场作戏…
但你以为我很开心吗？不！

我何尝不想坦诚以对…
何尝不想撕下那可恨的面具…
但现实让我看见了…
让我望而却步…

有时心里的垃圾桶满了…
垃圾不小心溢出来…
我也只能自己掉泪…
把溢出来的垃圾吞回去…
不然就以电脑麻醉自己…
暂时逃到另一个世界…

但是梦醒了，擦擦眼睛…
我又回到了现实…
没有我梦想拥有的家庭…
没有我期望达到的成就…
更没有一个能够偶尔走进我的世界…
听听我的牢骚，借个肩膀靠靠的人…
坐在孤独的角落，我什么都没有……

最近处于“一点点发情期”状态

As titled… 很痛苦下… 很难控制下… 怎办… xD
刚才看到一个以前就觉得很有感觉的人… 的profile…
觉得心痒痒的… 很难忍…
没关系，学杨果，做操很有用下…

一二三四清心寡欲
二二三四无欲则刚
三二三四丢脸事小
四二三四赔钱事大

Cannot tahan ady

Today is the [3rd day of CNY aka. 5th day of holiday] but I already feel like staying in HELL for thousands of years. I cannot stand them anymore.. those CB bitches larhh!!! Faster school reopen leiii!!! I'm so tired of quarreling ady... even CNY also can't give me a break mehh??! Mahai chibai seisohai.. Really hate those bitches!!! I guess I will kisiao before this 1 week holiday ends. Zzz!!

[LOL.. lets go to Mahai camp site]

Update update le woi...

It has been a while since the last time I was here. Um, quite a lot of changes had been done to myself within this period. This would be quite a long post so you have to be patient enough to read.

I'm currently in the "half-quit-W3K" mode, thanks to those sohai + tidak bertamadun Singaporean. W3K EN and CN server merged on the 9th of Feb. Once the server merged then they keep on bullying players from CN just because they don't understand English WTF??!! Seriously I don't think their English level is as good as what they thought LORHHH, OK?? They have even more grammatical mistakes than me when chatting (or quarelling) LOL.. As u all know my English isn't that good anyway. Tipu makan saja ~ Haiz.. but kesian those friends that I knew from the game lo.. ><"' "conclusion for the paragraph: W3K SUXXXXX LAARHHHH !!!!"

Hohoho... the next thing is, I changed my pet phrase from 踩啦踩啦!! to 发烧!! LOL.. ah Shin kokor.. got copyright de k? xD ~~ Later I sue you then you know. Pay me RM10B LOL..

I'm totally broke this month!! I never spend so much money within few days, like what I did lately. XIN-TONG ar~ Lets do some calculation:

+++
FES MUSIC CLUB MEMBERSHIP FEE - RM10.00
+
CNY HAIR CUT - RM17.00
(I'm ugly so no photos LOL)
=
RM 594.00
[Note: expenses below RM10.00 are excluded.]

Damn lo, spent so much money. Nearly RM600 WTF.. Few days ago I joined Music Club. The reason is, music is part of my interest and dream as I wanted to learn since I was small, and now I'm going to make it become true. I give myself a period of 1 year to learn guitar. I must learn well within this period!! Not forget to thank my very very good friend Chee How for helping me to get my first guitar.

I bought my 1st WAX today. I also don't know why but my strong feeling forced me to buy it. Haha~ an excuse. Never use b4 + not really sure how to use, hopefully won't end up ruinning my hair LOL.

Tomorrow is CNY eve, an important day for Chinese, and will be having reunion dinner at night. (I guess) that might also be my 1st reunion dinner with only 3 people eating together, 1st CNY without going anywhere, 1st peaceful and lonely CNY with my computer. Time flies, years passed, everything has changed.. Haix.. Speechless. (Don't wish to recall back those unwanted memories)

Wish whoever that is reading this post, a happy and prosperous CNY.. Gotta continue the stupid Moral assignment, that's all for now.

Whhhhat a christmas..

Went to a gathering at Pn. Koh's place. Met 3 juniors and 1 of them was cute. LOL.. Can't remember much about what had happened there but I remembered that I ate a lot. Not only that, I also TAPAU-ed quite a lot after the gathering.. *paiseh~*

During the journey of going back home, I had a long chat with Pn. Koh and I found that most of the good teachers left ChongHwa, which is a sad thing. 95% of the teachers that I could list out their name, all gone!(including Pn.Lau.. zOmg?!) Besides, Malays are getting more and next year will be only 3 teachers teaching Chinese in the afternoon session. I'm not racist or what but, Malay teachers gave me a very bad impression since most of them that I met are super duper lousy. I wonder what will happen next year and how would they undergo the hard time? Actually *in my opinion* ChongHwa had becoming worse after our previous principal (Mr.CFS) retired. Not to deny, Pn. Lau was a very good principal too but she could hardly control ChongHwa, I guess? Haiz.. Hopefully the new principal would do something to save ChongHwa lurrrr ~~~~

I'm learning Japanese language these few days to fill up my EMPTY holiday. Damnshit lurr.. it's already 4 days but i still can't remember all the Hiragana well. Anyway, it's a *self-learning* Muahahaha.. Now I could speak some simple phrases, greetings, questions and etc.. but that's not enough! *Hur hur.. im greedy..* Actually I have a very big interest in learning Japanese language, just that I don't have a chance to do so. *sigh*
I'm looking forward on my 3rd year of degree cuz I will be having Japanese language as 1 of my subject! And then, I will try to find opportunities to go to Japan. Maybe to further my studies [OR] work [OR] travel [OR] whatever ... I really wish to go there arrrgh.. ><"'

有点down，有点愤怒

这几天心情不是很好。除了对朋友的愧疚，对考试的惶恐、惧怕，对自己的不满、自责，还有对某人的愤怒、无奈、失望。饿了自己两天，感觉很好。。。这样就没力气再想那么多。本想约个朋友去吃吃些东西，因为明天考试，不过还是算了。加油，继续饿下去。。。

你妈的夭寿狗杂种，是你威胁我不要吃的，现在不要假假拿盘狗粮出来放着几分钟又收回去。好假，看了连上个礼拜的食物都想吐出来。你那些狗杂种吃的我可受不起，吃了都会短命好几年。不然像上次酱，自己脸皮厚厚逼我吃，吃了还要酸我讲没骨气？不错，我倒想试试看我这次可以饿几天，反正又不是第一次。

你除了会弄些狗粮塞人家的嘴巴，还会什么？看看你自己，真失败，真悲哀。。不错，所以现在我知道了你不让我自己弄吃的原因。是想我吃你那些狗粮吧？放心，吃不久的了。你等着瞧！

无法忘记

真的无法忘记那四天。
漫画般浪漫的四天，电影般激情的四天。
从没想过这种事情会发生在我身上。
可惜的是，结局一点都不精彩。

无法忘记，14/5/08。。。

惜缘

刚才泡完韩片"天才宝贝"发觉，原来爸爸也可以很爱孩子的…电影看到最后，说真的我都快哭出来了。

很感动，希望全天下大爸爸都要像他那样疼爱自己的孩子。以后的我肯定不结婚，因为婚姻是个很恐怖的东西。但是我应该会收养一个，毕竟我很喜欢小孩子。小时候看着他可爱的样子，什么烦恼都忘了。我也不会担心迟到睡不醒，因为他会很准时，一大早就会哭了。长大了些，陪他到游乐场玩耍，多么快乐。之后陪他做功课，煮东西给他吃，伤心时陪他聊聊天。呵，想得太远了。

----- 换个话题 -----
约11.30电影看到一半，突然接到爸爸打来的电话。很巧对吗？真的就这么巧。恰巧家里没人，所以我才能够跟他讲电话。坦白说很久没听见他的声音，真的都不认得了。聊了一会儿，可以感觉到他很想我们。我留了个电话给他，也告诉他我对他不满的地方。老实说，我也知道这不完全是他的错，但是事情演变至此那又能怎样？自上次法庭外那件事以后，现在总算释怀了一些。

我真的很希望像其他人一样，有一个美满的家庭。奈何命运不让我拥有，我又能怎样？我的家庭没办法挽回了，这是事实。父亲不在身边很痛，母亲在身边更痛。只因她是唯一一个让我感到愤怒，恐惧，害怕的女人。真的…我也不知该写什么了，再写我怕我会哭。现在的我应该很容易掉泪，因为现在我一个人在家，没人，正好可以暂时放下面具休息。毕竟我也是一个人，心灵总会有疲倦的时候。不过我不会在任何人面前卸下面具，尤其是她。因为我不能让她看扁，我要证明给她看，我是打不死的蟑螂。

最后祝愿所有人，一定要好好珍惜身边最亲最爱的人，不可以利用他们，欺骗他们，出卖他们，要好好爱他们。因为今世走完了，以后可能永远也碰不见他们了。[对不起我只能放这张图画，因为我连一张全家福也没有。呵，很失败，对吧？]

不知道

我真的不知道……
我到底该怎么做？
我这样做对吗？
这次真的找到了，
还是又一个海市蜃楼？

好不容易从那沼泽爬了出来
也曾告诉自己不能再陷下去
但是，不知不觉又开始下陷了

曾经的我陷得多么深
多么痛苦 多么受伤
但是我竟然又重蹈覆辙了
真该死……

其实这样我也不想的
但是，我就是这样
这就是我，很犯贱吧
我真的不想再受伤了
但是我却控制不了自己
很白痴 对吧？